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The Ten Call of Duty 4 Players I Hate Most

Some players make the multiplayer aspect of Call of Duty 4 so unenjoyable, that the only acceptable alternative to lessening the pain would be to shave yourself bald with a blowtorch.

But in this case, since it's Call of Duty 4 I've been playing the most lately, I will use these types of people specifically. If you're not a fan of the game, or just haven't played it, I'm sure you can creatively introduce them into any game you play, ranging from Team Fortress 2 to Counter-Strike to Halo 3.

10. The Silent Scope

This person has another name in Team Fortress 2, known as the "Weighted Companion Sniper," - but this type of comrade is nowhere near as annoying as the kinds that come in games with a "prone" option that pretend stealth is in any way an element in an online shooter. You see, the Team Fortress 2 sniper is less of the Sneaky McSneaker who strikes from the shadows, and instead acts as more of the affable Australian outback guy that put together a rifle out of two tin cans and a wrapping paper role. Where the rest of us saw this as a temporary sword with which to beat our friends or brothers, he realized that two lenses turned it into a scope - and when he wasn't sniping alligators, he was spotting spies even as they cloaked, while injecting his witty humor like "Wave g'bye to yer head mate."

Not so in Call of Duty 4 where, dressed in full camouflage, he gives off the demeanor of one who is the "lone assassin", the guy who takes down his targets with a single shot, and then disappears into the shadows. This is all the more enforced by a level where you have to sneak past hordes of Russians so that you can assassinate a single bad guy that later tries to lay the nuclear smackdown on the United States because of it (nevermind the fact that it was an Englishman and a Scotsman that did it to him, but I digress).

Silent Scopes have taken this to heart, and see themselves as the gaming world's equivalent of Vasily Zaitsev mixed with Sam Fisher with a bit of John Clark and Solid Snake thrown in. They will never move from their position, they will remain silent - and 9 times out of 10, they will be picked off by the guy that noticed that grass doesn't crawl five feet and have muzzle flashes. These guys like to talk, too, about how they're the "perfect sniper", littering my microphone chat with such unnecessary information as "I can see him right now, God I can see him, his death is-," but he never really finishes that sentence because there's nothing "stealthy" about a guy dressed in leaves standing on a balcony firing off eight or nine shots without hitting their target.

That's the other thing about these Silent Scope types, for all of their bragging, they never actually hit anything. They do a lot of talking, but when it all comes down to it, you could at least hope that they'd kill someone. Unfortunately, they're little more than the dread terror of sidewalks and cinder block walls. The other big problem that comes in of course is that it's never their fault their kill to death ratio is 1 and 40 in a 5 minute match: it's you because you fired off near his position, it's your fault because you didn't catch the guy trying to flank him, it's your fault that the enemy doesn't stand around conspiring unaware that a sniper is watching them like real sharpshooters are used for. They want to take a bolt-action precision rifle onto a battlefield with air strikes, helicopters, and automatic rifles, and are surprised when three guys with machine guns laugh as he flails around on the ground, pumped full of lead.

Oh by the way, that level they base themselves on where they snipe that Russian goon? Well, the sniper misses - and he takes off the guy's arm, nothing more. Congratulations on basing your entire multiplayer style on a level where you fail.

9. The Kid Who Thinks He Talks Like a Grown Up

Pretty much I hate integrated voice chat in general. I don't like talking to people online - and these kids are a good reason why. There is so much hate to go around in multiplayer games that I can't dwell too much on people who abuse their mics, so I had to pick the most annoying of the most annoying. Even moreso than the guy who swears up a storm because he got caught trying to sneak up on the enemy (read, he ran into their base guns ablazing), the annoyance factor goes to the kid who thinks that because he just hit puberty, his voice is deep enough to not be spotted for the 12 year old he is, and therefore parrots what he heard on a copy of Scarface his mom didn't know he watched.

It's almost as amusing as it is pathetic, just because the ratio of "f-word to regular word" is about 120:1. I would argue that words like "is" "a" and "the" find themselves backseated and dethroned as arbitrarily used words in comparison to whatever vulgarities this kid has heard - because after all, don't all grown ups swear? Well, some do little junior, but we certainly don't make it a point of injecting one colorful expletive after another between every word.

It's a toss up which is more annoying - that my voice chat (which I can't turn off) is constantly buzzing, or that I'm listening to what sounds like a Castroni stubbing his foot in the middle of the night. Invariably, if you point out that Karma must be preparing a football field of soap for him to ingest because of his profanity-laced diatribes, you are any variant of "gay" and some sort of animal pleaser, and you should just back off. Oh, and you live in your mother's sister's basement and have no job, because you're playing that game, and trying to "censor" him.

The truth is, he doesn't really talk like a grown up, he talks like a junior high schooler - and he makes me switch teams so that I can not only escape his idiocy, but so that I can laugh as I snipe him, pushing him to heights of unforeseen rage until finally his mother takes the PS3 away.

8. Ronnie Barrett

The Barrett rifle is a great weapon - the best way to describe it is a small game rifle. That is, a small game rifle used by Goliath. Hunting woolly mammoths. Who shoot lasers from their eyes. Ridden by Satan.

This .50 caliber piece of war is so powerful and destructive, that some countries are trying to get its use as a sniper rifle classified as a war crime. Due to the sudden silence of opposition, it can only be assumed that their heads exploded in some sort of fiery Barrett induced fury. But you can't really tell, because a Barrett shoots from up to a mile and a half away - accurately, and can take out helicopters. I'm not kidding. Did I mention that its compression barrel means that the user endures no recoil? It's like God accidentally left his sniper rifle on Earth, and man discovered it much like the Barbarians discovered the steel Crom left here. (For the record, due to his negligence, it is a common apocryphal belief that God later sniped Crom with said Barrett.)

What does this have to do with Call of Duty 4 you ask? Well it just so happens that some wikistorian (that is, someone with a PhD in Wikistory, someone who has discovered everything there is to know thanks to wikipedia, and is, therefore, better than everybody else) decides that that Barrett just isn't powerful enough in the game - and for that matter, the recoil is too large, and the it should hold more rounds than it already does, blah, blah blah. This guy, who claims to know as much as the weapon's (worldly) designer, Ronnie Barrett, will spend half the game explaining how these weapons just aren't realistic.

Firstly I want to extend my congratulations that he recognized the absence of realism in a video game, somewhere between my respawning after tripping a claymore and pumping a guy full of bullets before he knifed me and went on with his life I had struggled with this concept. But as a refresher, just in case there was some sort of absence of clarity on this point: no one cares.

Fortunately, you can usually spot this annoying, self-righteous flamer standing around in a corner somewhere, spending so much time cross-verifying his In-Game Master's Thesis on the G3's rate of fire compared to that of an M1 Garand, that you can just pop him once in the head and he'll go down like a sack of potatoes. There's your realism pal.

I don't mind accuracy and discussion of realism in video games - that's what I thrive on in the Total War series, but it being a video game, it's probably safest to bet that the inclusion of Jupiter ninjas was a fun, imaginative decision that wasn't meant to go on your essay in Cultural Studies.

7. The Guy That Picks Sniper on the District Map

Once more, this most likely extends to every game, but it is most poignant in my mind right now in Call of Duty 4. Let me describe District for you: you are in a city. This city has one major road that drives in a square around the map in a kind of infinite loop. It is largely flat, with a few slopes at most. You can enter the center of this little city, which appears to be a cross between a bazaar and a fashion outlet, with stairs that lead down, but any hopes of getting a clean sniper shot are impeded by all the strangely bullet resistant tents. This flexible wonder fabric must've been why we invaded the Middle East, it would make brilliant body armor.

Invariably, some idiot thinks that a sniper rifle is the perfect thing for this hill-deficient map, which is nothing more than a machine gun fest of Rambo meets Commando proportions. There is literally no advantage to a sniper rifle on this map, to stand still basically means that you're going to be cut down by a real gun.

Don't take my two anti-sniper slots to mean that I've anything against snipers. I love snipers - but choose them wisely. When you're staring down a guy with a machine gun and your only cover is an exploding car, maybe it's time to switch to a gun that puts out a few more rounds?

6. The Roleplayer

You're not sitting cozily in your chair or on your sofa, occasionally plopping grenades and blowing away 3d images in some kind of cartoony gorefest. What you really are, according to these people, are an actual marine who is actually battling in Saudi Arabia or Russia, and much contrary to Bond lore, you only live once. They cannot fail, because failure means the death of millions, the end of liberty and freedom - to these people, they are living through the war they didn't have the courage to enlist to actually fight.

Therefore, they will never leave the cover of their little hiding place, they're prone to self-induced hallucinations of sudden death and will panic, even hyperventilate, and will get so into their role, that tears are the only appropriate response to a loss. They tend to use tactical jargon that they don't understand too, like, "Guys we need to flank on their aft so that we can penetrate their core defensive line!" Which nominally means "go left please" but who knows what kind of super secret spies are listening to our channels?

A grenade that falls needs to be hastily thrown back, or he and his friends will be returning home in coffins draped in American flags. Victory is the only option.

They'll also use words like "Come on guys, let's do this" and try to act as an inspiring leader using real life military tactics, all the while acting shocked that no one acknowledges his "higher rank" as indicative of his right to command. "I'm a major!" they'll exclaim, all the while at a loss as to why no one is using what in his head is a Medieval cantabrion circle but in a multiplayer game comes off as the one newbie that thinks ranks mean anything following him in a Last Samurai style death charge. And while he'll be convinced this is a glorious end, the sad truth is, to everyone around him, he was just a name that flashed by for a second following the name of the guy who killed him. All his life's glory was spent chasing after a two dimensional red flag that he couldn't reach.

5. The Nerd Who Takes the Game WAY Too Seriously

Not to be confused with the Roleplayer, this is the guy who gets into the absolute game aspect of it - but it is his life. He was among the first generals in the game's ranking system, and he is regarded as one of the few people that somehow got their kill count to be higher than their death count. This impossible feat has created a tragic layer of denial - their death could only be spurred on by the forces of the devil. Because of this, in his spare time, he's writing a gaming equivalent of the Malleus Maleficarum, known as the "Cheater's Hammer", that identifies all ways for overly anxious admins to ban suspected cheaters.

To them, Call of Duty 4 is their salvation, it is the greatest thing to touch the digital world since the advent of sexually explicit dating sims. Now, when they're not simulating erotic adventures in cyberspace in anime settings, they're blowing away newbs' heads with a vengeful fury. They tend to make bizarre and frightening noises when killed however, making you wish you could just mute the awful wailing that causes banshees to cringe.

Worst of all though, they are obsessed with talking, and their voices are the stereotypical nerd's. Not that I have any problem with what society has classified as a nerd, but the sad fact is, they sound just like Mordegai from Dexter's Lab. All the while putting heavy emphasis on key words in their inquiries. For example, upon death, they'll exclaim "What the hell," with strong emphasis on "hell". A loss to them not only impedes their near perfect record, but also apparently shrivels his manhood, as there's no other explanation for the long line of angst that comes upon his team losing.

But fret not, it wasn't that he hid in the bushes occasionally dropping a grenade on a passing newb that lost the game for us - it was the fact the fact that two of us couldn't hold the final control point against the onslaught of Orcish hordes that compose the enemy team. And trust me, we get an earful for this.

4. The Guy Obsessed With Other People Kill Stealing

Wah wah wah, you had to split the points you got for killing someone, because another person took your kill. If it really annoys someone all that much, I can see at most an eye twitch, but to have a preprepared speech on the immorality of killing the person you were shooting at is pushing my tolerance to its limits. I can only assume that number 4 is like a version of number 5 that just can't live up to number 5's impeccably high standard of skill and excellence. Therefore, when you take what meager scraps he can get, you're basically starving him of his internet glory. And if he's anything like number 5, his body extracts value proteins from internet glory that his body needs to sustain itself.

I can't really put my finger on what causes these people to snap the way they do, I imagine it's because their one accomplishment in life is being a game MVP, therefore when it's deprived of them presumably by a single kill, a fit of rage ensues. Or on the inverse, they feel a strange sense of entitlement, a monopoly on digital mayhem as it were. By having the audacity to have your bullet stray across a guy that he had branded as his own piece of meat, in addition to depriving him of that aforementioned protein, you probably also kick Chinese emaciated puppies. And you know what? Those puppies are all those Chinese kids have. So why do you have to be like that?

3. The John Kerrys

Yeah it may seem contradictory, but things that aren't annoying by nature have a tendency to become so when you're the kind of person who takes a little thing, and makes it a habit out of his life. You see, in Call of Duty 4, there is this "add-on" you can have called "Last Stand" where you fall on your back and gradually lose health if you're killed, as long as you're not blown up or shot in the head. You then have about 20 seconds to shoot your attacker with your pistol. The ironic thing is, the person who put you in this near catatonic state does not necessarily get the credit for the kill. It's whoever delivers the coup de grace. Unless he slowly bleeds to death, and while I'm all about bleeding my opponents like stuck pigs at a PETA convention, then you need to deliver the deathblow yourself, else someone else will.

Well there's a sub-culture out there who feels that it's their job to be the self-elected administers of final justice. These proverbial Judge Dredds see themselves as the Benjamin Martins of the gaming world, ferociously diving in and refusing to take mercy. Really, they're actually the carpetbaggers of the gaming world. They wait until everyone around them has done all the work, and then dive in and plop a bullet in the guy on the ground.

No, I'm not obsessed with stopping kill stealers - as far as I'm concerned, a dead enemy is a dead enemy.

But when your entire modus operandi is to find guys in their death throes and take the full points by issuing a form of finalization modeled off the 2004 Democratic Presidential Candidate, you're a loser, and no one wants you on their team. Just get back in your speedboat, claim your purple hearts, and go home.

2. The Compulsive Death Match Players

Despite the large quantity of "game options" in Call of Duty 4, there are really only four game formats. There's deathmatch, capture the flag, headquarters control, and a variant of the American Gladiators game where you have to put volleyballs into little containers before Nitro barrels you over like the 150 lbs. peewee under-steroided fruitcake you are called sabotage. However, to some players, there is only one type of format: deathmatch, and the rest of these little "rules" are like how some perceive the Pirate Code, guidelines, rather than rules, that no one need obey.

And it really makes me wish some Keith Richards would come down and smash some divine Pirate-smackdown on them. These people live for kill counts, even though victory (and high points, go figure) are attained through procuring the objectives. My favorite example is in the capture the flag/territory control map known as "Domination". In this, you get a reduced 5 points for killing people, 1 for an assist, and 15 whopping points for capturing an enemy control point. You might think that this would spur people into action to rank up faster, unlock bigger, badder guns, and go capture control points, thereby winning, right?

Well no, because all "Domination" means to these people is that more people are going to cluster in more likely areas for them to pad their kill count. Meanwhile, after taking down his necessary 2-4 enemies, the Deathmatch obsessed player is found, put down like the dog he is, and then starts all over. Never mind the fact that no one stands between him and the one control point that can win the game for us - no one's there, so his sense of urgency is turned to somewhere down on par with his need to wake up on New Year's.

There is no room in Heaven or even Purgatory for this person, as no amount of "cleansing" will wash away the sin of his Deathmatch obsession, getting into prolonged gunfights instead of capturing the objective and winning the game. I can't rightly think there's room in Hell for him either, because I figure the Devil would eventually get sick of his nonsensical waste of his team's time, and permaban him from the xXHellsLeg1onXx (because all the goths had already stolen the HellsLegion server name) server.

1. Grenades

Surprised? You shouldn't be. They're players too. Don't believe me? These little doomsday balls have minds of their own, and as soon as they're released of their owner's captivity they find a way to unleash a fury that woman scorned quivers away from in downtrodden horror. I despise them, I hate them, and frankly, gaming companies are starting to realize just how much of a waste of time these little orbs of fury are, as seen by Team Fortress 2 taking the glorious step of removing them outright.

I guess if it must extend to a player, you can extend it to the grenadier, the person who only uses grenades, or variants of grenades. To enhance this grenade obsession, Activision/Infinity Ward thought it would be cute to arm these little bastards with a Red Dawn style "martyrdom" perk, where, upon death, when all should be well, a grenade rolls out at your feet, and you explode.

Meanwhile, the interface warning pop-up that warns you a grenade is nearby is flaky at best - sometimes, the little white indicator warning you that a grenade has fallen, decides that its going to take a break, and warning you of your imminent death is not worth getting off its lazy, coded rear and setting off the alarm. When it is there, it doesn't matter in what direction you run, they must be following you.

Or more manage to fall around you.

Grenades, I hate you - I hate you with every being of my soul.

Special Mentions

-Hackers: These whimsical fun players who decide that it's really not all that different from using the in-game minimap to utilize a program that shows the exact locations, hit points, etc. of every person on the map. In Team Fortress 2 this is especially annoying, considering a key element to spies are often ruined in that their cloak is rendered useless. The defense? "It's just an enhanced mini-map". Well, VAC disagrees with you scumbag. Fortunately it's not as easy to hack your console, but with the increasing similarities between PCs and Consoles, I'm sure they're on the horizon.

-Voice Chat DJ's: The guys who think that integrated voice chat means we're interested in hearing his Three Tenors-Celine Dion Jazz Remix, on loop. He'll turn on his stereo or iPod and actually put the microphone up to it so that we can all listen. I guess he wants someone to enjoy it with him after a whole one person on bit torrent seeded the three minute song to him over the course of nine days.

-He-Man: What is a He-Man? He's the scumbag with the rocket launcher, who hides behind every corner and is like "SUCK FAILURE AT MY ROCKET LAUNCHER NEWB" and then you both explode in his vengeful fury. As you respawn you ponder why someone would launch a rocket in your face at point blank range, but never to worry, when you do finally spawn, he will inform you that it's because only REAL men use rockets, anything less than a rocket means you have a small dingy. You answer with a sniper rifle to the face. To which he responds, "Sniper rifles are overpowered fag fors, wait." You then cackle gleefully as his rocket launcher is proved impotent by your "fag for" thing that caused such distress he can't even articulate a sentence any further. Ah, I call her Irene.

-Laceromaniacs: People absolutely obsessed with using whatever the melee equivalent of their weapon is. Be it a knife in Call of Duty 4, or the Heavy in Team Fortress 2 who puts Sasha aside and tells you to put up your dukes. What's funny is that you can actually use a formula to find that there is a scientifically provable inversely proportional relationship between people who suck on your team and people who rock on their team as Laceromaniacs. Specifically, anyone on your team obsessed with a melee weapon sucks, period. They charge an enemy flag on 2Fort armed with only a shovel and are shocked when six sentry guns turn them into fondu and put your slaughtered remains on an engineered rotisserie machine. Meanwhile, armed with only a knife, the enemy becomes a cross between Chuck Norris and the Terminator in a John Woo movie, minus the pistols. He cannot be hit - but when he does, the bullets bounce off and he laughs at your puny mortal weapons. He then proceeds to pull an Uma Thurman and destroys you and your team. Scientists have yet to find a source of this phenomenon.

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